GM: We've come up here for the weekend to play Apartments and Accountants. Simon: To play what? GM: It's an exiting role playing game set in a world of real estate, accountants and technology. Simon: You mean it's sort of like Dungeons and Dragons? Scott: What's so interesting about dungeons and dragons? That's just real life. In the game you get to meet DJ's, Politicians and Danny Baker. GM: I think we'd better get started. Simon: Can I watch? Scott: No Problem. Just try not to disturb us, Ok?Scott: No Problem. Just try not to disturb us, Ok? Simon: Whatever. GM: Ok. Right. Has everyone got their characters sorted out? Scott: Yeah! Dave: Yeah! GM: Let's do a quick character rundown then. Scott: My guy's called Scott and he's a fourth level Student. Dave: My character's Dave and he's a second level Rugby Player. Rupert: I've got Rupert, the sixth level Computer Hacker. Knock: I'm playing Knock and he's a ninth level Soldier. GM: Alright. Do you all remember what's going on? Scott: We've all been captured by fascist police and accused of penguin smuggling. GM: That's right. Ok. You're all locked up in a cell awaiting trial. What are you going to do? Scott: I think we should hold a demonstration. Dave: Let's drink 12 pints of lager and deck some queers. Rupert: I'll use my remote modem to cyberlink netcruise on the information sperhighway. Scott: What good'll that do? Rupert: None. I just get a kick out of saying it. Knock: I'll smear animal droppings over my face. GM: You don't have any animal droppings. And the fascist cops have taken Rupert's remote modem. Rupert: Bugger. Scott: Who's with me on the demonstration? Dave: What are we demonstrating against? Scott: Our wrongful imprisonment, of course. We could throw in some stuff about student hardship while we're at it though. Rupert: I've still got my anorak haven't I? GM: Yes. Rupert: Thank DOS for that. Knock: I'll try and bend the cell bars with my bare hands. GM: You get a 10,000 volt shock from the electrified bars... Knock: Ha! A measly 10,000 volts! GM: ...and both your arms are blown off. Knock: Ha! Who needs arms? Arms are for wussies! Scott: Has anybody got any Rizla? Dave: Has anyone got any lager? Rupert: I'm going to search the cell for weaknesses. GM: The cell is totally featureless except for a high window in one wall. Rupert: I hate Windows. Knock: I'm going to start a fight on someone. Dave: Good idea. How about on Scott? Scott: But I'm a pacifist! Knock: What's a pacifist? Dave: Someone who doesn't hit you back. Knock: Sounds good to me. Rupert: I'm going to talk about VAX-11 memory management systems to calm everyone down. GM: Rupert manages to bore everyone into a state of blissful euphoria. Award yourself 200 experience points. Rupert: Cool! That means I've got up to level seven. GM: That means you get the special ability to talk in binary. Your sweaty odour rating goes up 5 per cent and your grasp of reality down by 10 per cent. Rupert: 01000101 01010 0110 11100! Knock: What we need here is a rucksack full of rocks and a mountain to yomp up. Dave: I think we should have a scrum down and sing some dirty songs. I know this really good one about an Eskimo... Knock: Either of you two wimps have any ideas? Rupert: Wimp! I'll have you know I recorded 41 frags on NetDoom once. Scott: We could try the old 'overcome the guards' trick. All we need is one of us to pretend to be sick or something. Knock: I'll punch Rupert in the stomach then. GM: You haven't got any arms, remember? Knock: Ok. I'll KICK Rupert in the stomach then. GM: Rupert is in a lot of pain. Rupert: 1010111011101!!! That means 'aarrrghhh!!!' in binary. GM: You think you can hear the guard coming. Dave: Hur-hur. Hur-hur-hur. He said 'coming'. Scott: We'll wait for him to arrive an then point out the comatose Rupert. GM: The guard has arrived and enters the cell to have a look at him. Knock: I'm going to grab a handy weapon in my teeth and hit him. GM: What're you going to grab? Knock: Er... Scott. Scott: Hey! GM: Ok. You deal the guard a heavy blow with Scott. Scott is in a lot of pain the guard is unconscious. Scott: You bastard. Dave: Ok. Let's get out of here. GM: Unfortunately, neither Rupert nor Scott are in any fit state to move. Dave: I'll grab Rupert if Knock can get Scott. Knock: I'll grab Scott with my teeth again. GM: Ok. You run--- Knock: I insist on yomping. GM: Ok. Dave runs and Knock yomps down a long, dimly lit corridor. Rupert: What is yomping, anyway? Scott: It's like running but louder, I think. GM: You pass a fire escape door on your left after about 200 yards. Knock: Let's take it. GM: You ch- you yomp through the door onto a fire escape which hasn't been built yet. Knock: Oh... GM: You fall about 20 feet before landing comparatively unharmed... Knock: Comparatively to what? GM: Scott, which is what you landed on. Scott: I'd like to have a protest march. GM: Knock has achieved multible fractures to both legs. Scott is very unconscious in a Scott shaped hole in the ground. Rupert and Dave are still at the top of the fireescape door. Dave: We'd better look for another way down. Rupert: I should be able to walk again by now. GM: You feel sufficiently recovered to do that. Rupert: Let's go then. GM: You find your way down and out without any further trouble. You were being held in a disused warehouse and that guard was the only one there. Dave: Right. Let's get the others and go down the pub. Rupert: I need to EMail my virtual date in Singapore. Scott: Have I regained consciousness yet? GM: No. And budding quadriplegic Knock is now in severe pain. Knock: Pah! Only the weak feel pain. I'll take a couple of military issue aspirin and be as right as rain. GM: You feel a bit better, but you still can't walk. Rupert: Right. Let's ditch the warmonger then. Knock: What? But this unit would be nothing without me! Dave: Yeah, you've been a great help already. Scott: I am not a unit, I'm a free man! Dave: I mean, what were you thinking when you shouted at that huge security guard? Knock: Well, he looked at me sort of funny... Rupert: Why can't you just live in peace? Scott: Yeah. Chill out, man. Dave: And then you legged it and he had a go at US! Knock: I was, er... scouting the terrain. Er.. pulling off a valiant rearguard action style of thing. Er... I don't need to explain complex military manoeuvres to a civvy! Dave: If it wasn't for Rupert's ability to bore people into a euphoric trance, we could have been in big trouble. Rupert: I can't help it if no-one finds formal methods remotely interesting. Dave: Shut up! Last time you mentioned that I didn't wake up for three days. Not that that's unusual of course. Scott: Who needs drugs when you've got Rupert? Simon: I can't take any more of this sad conversation.
After a while...
Simon: Wanna try this new triple caffeine stuff? Dave: Sure. GM: Damn. We're short of a player now. Simon: Your friend has just turned into a beagle! Aren't you a bit shocked? GM: Why whould we be? Probably just a variation in the local magical flux. Scott: Happens all the time around here. GM: Shame we're short of a player now... We'll have to find someone else to take his place. Simon: I'll do it. GM: Er... Ok then. D'you know the rules? Simon: I think I get the gist of it. GM: Have a seat. I've got a spare character for you. Simon: It says here that I'm a journalist, reviewing games for computers? GM: Yeah. A computer is like a magic box wh--- Simon: I know. I work for What PC Games Magazine Magazine. GM: That's right. You have no sense of humour whatsoever. Simon: Oi! That's fighting talk that is! GM: Your character, I mean. Simon: You mean that I give games 69 per cent because it's an amusing score? GM: I can see you've got the hang of this already. Simon: OK, where do we start? GM: We may as well jump in to a fight straight away. Scott: I don't approve, you know? Rupert: Don't worry. I'm a dead shot with a BFG. GM: You haven't got a BFG. Scott: What does BFG mean anyway? Knock: Big F--- Simon: Yes, yes, yes. I think we all suspect the answer to this one. GM: OK, everyone roll the dice. Scott: Seven. Damn! Knock: Four. Rupert: Two. How typical. Simon: What are we fighting? GM: Didn't I say? Simon: No. GM: An interior decorateur, 4th Class. Rupert: Arrgh!!! Simon: What's so scary? Knock: They can drink endless Cups of Tea! Scott: And show cavernous arse cleavage! Rupert: What are we going to do. GM: I think Simon had better roll. Simon: Ok. Here goes! 8. Is that any good? GM: I'm afraid not. You all lose 2 hit points. Roll the dice. Scott: 7. Knock: 6. Rupert: 9. GM: No good. It's all down to Simon. Simon: D'you mind if I use my own dice? GM: Go ahead. Simon: Twelve! GM: You hit him! Now roll again for damage. Simon: Twelve again! GM: He retreated! Well done. Scott: Nice one. And you didn't have to kill him either. GM: Simon get's the new player handout. Simon: What's this? GM: A wallpaper catalogue that he left behind. Simon: Oh. How useful. GM: OK, guys. What d'you wanna now? Knock: Let's sack the place and steal everything of value. Scott: That would be wrong AND immoral. Rupert: Maybe they've got a new modem in here somewhere. Simon: I hate to break up the flow, guys but I've gotta go. I'd like to say it's been fun but, well, it really hasn't. GM: I guess we'll play on without you then.